Should Murder Be Legal?
From my file of stupid letters to the editor:
"...If you make abortion illegal, women will die. It's that simple.
"Making something illegal doesn't stop it from happening. (Think: drugs, murder, suicide, etc.) So by keeping abortion safe and legal, we simply are saying that women who choose abortion shouldn't be punished with their lives. If you think they should be punished with their lives, then I have to ask you: Who made you God?" Angela Nims, St. Paul
Lady, are you suggesting that murder should be made legal? After all, it goes on, anyway. And if it were legal, fewer murderers would die trying to escape capture by the police. And fewer police officers would be killed by murderers trying to escape capture. In other words: Because we made murder illegal, people are dying!
Seems to be her logic.
And the Bride Wore an European-American Dress!
I heard the local archbishop on the radio, talking about the Roman Catholic church's opposition to the death penalty. He said one of the objections is that the death penalty isn't administered fairly. Whites get the death penalty much less frequently than people of color.
The archbishop said this isn't just in the U.S. He said the point was really hammered home when he visited Angola, and "everyone on death row was African-American."
Does the State Department knows about this?
Just one more example of why I dislike the term "African-American." It's not a race, it's a travelogue!
Who's On First? Video Rental Version
For an updated version of the classic comedy routine, check this out http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2005/3/4gavaler.html
Bust-Up (Laughing)
Did you hear about the new gum being sold in Japan? It's said to increase the bust size of the chewer. It's called Bust-Up Gum http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4361563.stm .
It might actually work. I'm not going to be the one to find out. But it reminds me that I've always thought a good Internet rumor to start would involve milk. We haven't heard much about it lately, but you'll remember the controversy about milk from cows treated with BST -- bovine growth hormone. Farmers use BST to help their cows give more milk. But some consumers worry that something bad for them might end up in the milk from those cows. As a consequence, some stores offer milk certified NOT from cows that have been injected with BST.
So a good rumor would be this: Drinking milk from cows treated with BST makes your breasts grow. Sounds plausible, right? There's a logical connection there.
And it might get teenage girls to finally drink their milk.
We Think We've Got It So Rough
Why do we think we have it so rough? Our expectations have really gotten high. For example, health care. The complaint is, "We can't afford health care!" Well, we expect a level of health care never before known to mankind. Of course that costs money.
Likewise, Social Security and retirement., It used to be that people didn't so much retire as they got too old to work. Now, people expect to retire when they are still young and healthy, then they want to spend all their time traveling and having a good time. There's nothing wrong with that, if you saved and can afford it. But historically speaking, that's an unrealistic expectation as a "right" for everyone.
We used to have a term for people who didn't have to work -- the idle rich! Now we seem to expect that as a "right"
Sunday, April 3, 2005
Use this handy-dandy quiz to find out!
Not Discrimination
Some may say I'm splitting hairs, but isn't that what Constitutional law is all about?
I question the idea that not allowing same-gender marriages is "discrimination." Gay people have always been allowed to marry, as long as they marry someone of the opposite gender. (And many have done so.) While a gay person may not marry someone of the same gender, neither may a straight person. No one asks whether you are gay or straight when you apply for the marriage license. The requirement, applied to all, is that the couple be made up of one male and one female.
In the same way, bigamists are allowed to marry -- but only one person at a time, same as anyone else. When you apply for the license, you aren't asked whether you are a bigamist, only whether you are already married.
Whether people are being allowed to marry in the way that they want, and whether they should be allowed to marry in the way that they want, are separate questions. But I don't buy the "discrimination" claim.
Stars Unite Behind New Automobile
A group of entertainment industry celebrities, including Barbra Streisand, Garrison Keillor, Woody Harrelson and Alec Baldwin, announced today that they have formed Stars for Cars, an organization that will produce alternative, environmentally-friendly vehicles for the masses. Stars for Cars is a totally new kind of automobile company, in fact, it's not a company at all, the celebrities said through their spokespeople.
"To be a traditional 'company' suggests that we would be greedy, corporate executives, profiting from our efforts to save Mother Earth," Streisand said through her publicist. Indeed, the new organization will function as a non-profit, and the stars will not be investing any of their own money in the venture. "That would just serve to cloud our minds when it came to financial decisions," Harrelson's spokeswoman quoted him as saying.
"We want to price these vehicles so that everyone can afford one," Baldwin explained through one of his spokesmen, "so we don't want to be distracted by issues like profits and losses."
The stars plan to ask Congress to fund their start-up venture. Senator Hillary Clinton, D-NY, and Rep. Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., plan to introduce a bill to appropriate $4.1 billion to start the project. "By next year we should know how much we will need appropriated yearly for ongoing expenses," Streisand said through her publicist.
The Star Car will be marketed through an exciting infomercial, hosted by a well-known radio celebrity, the spokespeople said. An advance tape of the infomercial is being distributed to media outlets nationwide, as part of the Star Car publicity campaign.
Downingworld has obtained an advance copy of the infomercial. No streaming video is available at this time, but here are some excerpts from a transcription of the audio:
Announcer: Welcome to the Star Car Premier Party Celebration!!!! For the next hour, you'll be thrilled and entertained as you learn about the wonders of the new Star Car!! And now, it's time to meet your host: You know him as a great thinker, and the host of a hugely popular radio program. Please give it up for Mr. Al Franken!!!!!
Franken: Thank you. Thank you. You're so kind. Let me tell you a little bit about the Star Car. It's a totally new concept in personal transportation. It incorporates all the latest in safety technology. For instance, the steering wheel incorporates sensors that monitor the driver's blood pressure and stress level, so that the on-board computer can shut down the vehicle before the driver begins to suffer from road rage.
(Applause)
Franken: Also, a built-in GPS system is in constant communication with a centrally-located government computer, which detects the speed limit for the road you are on, and keeps the Star Car from exceeding that limit.
(Applause)
Franken: In addition, the windows on the Star Car can not be rolled down. That protects children and our animal companions from injuries that can occur when they put any parts of their little bodies out of the window of a moving car. Now, I can see that you are thinking, "Al, but what if I forget that one of my animal companions, or even a small child, is still in the Star Car, and I park it in the sun. Won't it get too hot inside if the windows can't be rolled down?" Good question. But the designers of the Star Car have thought of that. The Star Car's bio-plastic windows are designed to pop out whenever the internal sensor detects a temperature above 80 degrees inside the vehicle. So don't forget to keep your air conditioning running while you go through the car wash!!!!
(Laughter)
Franken: But the benefits of the Star Car windows don't end with pet safety. These very special windows also help to save Mother Earth's rain forests! You see, if the window doesn't roll down, people can't use the drive-through at their local fast food restaurant. That means the evil corporate giants will sell fewer burgers made from cattle grazing on what used to be Mother's pristine rain forests. Maybe if Rush Limbaugh drove one of these -- or had someone drive it for him (laughter) -- he wouldn't be so fat. But he'd still be an idiot!
(more laughter)
Franken: By now, you must be wondering, if everything else is so advanced, what powers this miracle machine? Well, it's really very simple. And best of all, not only is the Star Car a zero-emission vehicle, it's also the world's first zero-energy-input vehicle, safely and cleanly providing for itself all the power it needs. And it's easy to use, as you can see in this home video from the Garrison Keillor household.
Here they are on a Sunday morning. On this particular morning, Mr. and Mrs. Keillor were sleepyheads, so by the time they bicycled over to the co-op at the traffic circle in the heart of their urban village, they were all sold out of the New York Times, not to mention their favorite fair-trade Sumatran blend. So off they went for a little drive.
Just watch how easy it is to use the Star Car. Garrison just turns the switch to "on," and the electric motor springs to life, powered by several hundred batteries located where the trunk and back seat would be in a conventional, Earth-destroying vehicle.
Now watch closely, this is the best part! As the Star Car reaches highway speed, a wind turbine is automatically extended on the roof of the Star Car.
(audience oooohs and aaaaahs)
Franken: As the Star Car cruises under clean, efficient battery power, the wind turbine on the roof spins and converts the energy of the passing air into electricity to recharge the batteries, keeping them always at full charge. You never need to plug it in!
(applause)
Franken: Yes, the designers of the Star Car have thought of everything. All you need to do is pick a color, then call the number shown on your screen. The Star Car comes in a variety of colors, including Rain Forest Green, Mother's Ocean Blue, African-American, Asian-American, Native-American and even European-American.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Kids Need the Thrill of Risk-Taking
Some kids are really attracted to video games that let them be powerful heroes who overcome dangerous situations, slaying foes and traversing inhospitable terrain. Is it possible that one reason little boys enjoy these games so much is that we don't let them take any risks in their play in real life?
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Why this rush to extract oil from ANWR? It's not as though we can't get oil now. It's just the price spike which is pushing interest in ANWR. Whether ANWR would provide any price relief, by the time those oil fields come online, isn't even clear.
Here's what I say: Let's use up OTHER PEOPLE'S OIL first. If the Saudis and whoever else will sell us there oil, let's use it. If, at some future point, oil becomes truly scarce, not just more expensive than we and our politicians like, (and inflation-adjusted and compared to historic highs, oil and gas are still not "expensive") we'll still have our own domestic supplies to fall back on. Who'll be in the driver's seat then?
It's like being a kid with an Easter basket. If your brother
will share his with you now, leave your own until later!